These past two weeks have been very difficult to say the least. Two MONUMENTOUS occasions occurred, and I wasn't there, wasn't a part of them, for the first time ever I missed them.
September 16th, a glorious day for celebrating, Tyler's birthday. And this year he turned the big 16...Holy Cow! I wasn't there..I haven't missed a birthday in 15 years, and now I've missed 2. September 30th, another grand day for celebration, Cody's 14th birthday, and again, I missed it. I called, I texted, I facebooked. They sent pictures of the birthday parties, and it makes me so full of anguish. The cake I didn't make, the missing beans and bean prizes, the wrapping of the gift, the pretend surprise at the opened present, the smiles and the joy.
Days and moments that can never be experienced again, the time that can never be made up, the memory that will never exist.
It's not just the big occasions, but the small ones that now seem so important, like I didn't treasure them enough when they constantly surrounded me and I had ample of opportunities to participate. Movie lunches with the office or with mom to catch a chick flick, the semi-annual Girls Night Out while the boys were at priesthood, chick flicks with sisters, lunch with friends, game nights.
How does one "get over" times like these? Move on and move forward? It's like a double-edge sword. I am here with Devin & McKenzie making fabulous new and exciting memories with Jamie - and I wouldn't trade that for the world, its just that sometimes I feel like something is missing, part of me is lost. In a perfect world we would all be together, the feelings of abandonment would never surface or be felt, the longing and loneliness would never again be experienced. But perfection is only a dream.
