My sister Marianne is so awesome!  I love her tons!

Missed Occasions....

These past two weeks have been very difficult to say the least. Two MONUMENTOUS occasions occurred, and I wasn't there, wasn't a part of them, for the first time ever I missed them.
September 16th, a glorious day for celebrating, Tyler's birthday. And this year he turned the big 16...Holy Cow! I wasn't there..I haven't missed a birthday in 15 years, and now I've missed 2. September 30th, another grand day for celebration, Cody's 14th birthday, and again, I missed it. I called, I texted, I facebooked. They sent pictures of the birthday parties, and it makes me so full of anguish. The cake I didn't make, the missing beans and bean prizes, the wrapping of the gift, the pretend surprise at the opened present, the smiles and the joy.
Days and moments that can never be experienced again, the time that can never be made up, the memory that will never exist.
It's not just the big occasions, but the small ones that now seem so important, like I didn't treasure them enough when they constantly surrounded me and I had ample of opportunities to participate. Movie lunches with the office or with mom to catch a chick flick, the semi-annual Girls Night Out while the boys were at priesthood, chick flicks with sisters, lunch with friends, game nights.
How does one "get over" times like these? Move on and move forward? It's like a double-edge sword. I am here with Devin & McKenzie making fabulous new and exciting memories with Jamie - and I wouldn't trade that for the world, its just that sometimes I feel like something is missing, part of me is lost. In a perfect world we would all be together, the feelings of abandonment would never surface or be felt, the longing and loneliness would never again be experienced. But perfection is only a dream.

On the Hunt....

I never knew how painful and depressing job hunting could be. I haven't had to look for a job in over 17 years, I've been working for my dad. This is absolutely brutal! I have to say I completely and utterly HATE looking for work. Filling out applications, uploading my resume, and taking possible employee assessments are a total pain!
But what it really boils down to is...What do I want to do?
I had a plan and a goal. I was on the road and heading in the direction of my desired career. And then BAM, life happens wouldn't you know it, and threw a hiccup in my entire destination!
Accounting, not my ideal job, don't love it, pretty good at it, but I think I only really enjoyed it because of who I worked for and what I was working towards. Business ownership and clients that I had a long-term relationship with, people I knew and who knew me, people who trusted me and my work, and I truly enjoyed them as clients and friends. And the fellow workers, my bestest friend Marianne helping to run the show(s), if we want to include Payroll Perfection. So now what? Is accounting what I want to do now that I am without the golden spoon in my mouth?

An Unforgettable Union....

So....after months of being together and having a couple of upsetting conversations...Jamie officially proposed. He got a half day off of work, so he didn't have to go in until 1 and we went ring shopping. He got me the most beautiful ring...I love it. Of course it had to be sized...so the day we went to pick it up we ordered him a ring, which matches - cause that's how we roll!! Anyway - we went to the wall of water in Houston and walked around, he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. He is awesome! It made me cry - I was so happy, I am still so happy. Of course I said yes....no question there!
We got our marriage license and after waiting the required 72 hours... we impulsively got hitched. "Brother Jared" for our intended purpose (Jared is a guy that works with Jamie who just so happened to get his minister license on-line for some apparent reason and was just dying to marry us for free.) came to the house. We sat at the bar while he filled out the license... and then he said by the power vested to me by www. - I pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jamie Aaron Coleman. It was funny! An August 15th that I will never forget...one that I will tell our grandchildren about!
But we're official...and I couldn't be happier. Jamie is the most amazing and wonderful man. I love him more than words can describe....each day I love him more and appreciate who and what he does for me. He makes me feel complete...whole....like he is my other half.

Time

Back in Texas for almost a month...time flies! Not much has happened. The kids have been playing and enjoying life. Catching toads almost nightly, and then torturing the poor animals.
The girls come over quite regularly, which is exciting. It feels like they belong with us..like we are almost complete when they are home. Jamie of course is working nights, almost every night. It is kind of a crappy schedule...but what do you do? His working his turn around has made it possible for me to stay home with the kids and be able to take care of our bills. He is such a great man, such a hard worker and so willing to take care of us. He's wonderful!
I try and talk to Tyler and Cody each day, but they're angry with me and really don't want to correspond with me quite yet. They are upset that I moved away from them. I think they feel like I abandoned them, even though they had the choice, I feel they are angry because I didn't chose to stay in Utah. One day I pray they will forgive me and be able to accept the changes that occurred in their lives. The decision was difficult, but I honestly feel like this is where I"m supposed to be, to be with Jamie. I wish and I pray that Tyler and Cody will chose to come here, but I"m not holding my breath. Maybe after they graduate....who knows what the future holds, anything can happen.
School starts on Monday - the kids can hardly stand it, they are so excited, and nervous. We finished up the shopping today - last minute items all squared away. Thank goodness...
Just taking it one day at a time... enjoying my new life and all that comes with it. Each day is an adventure, you just never know what's gonna happen!

Bittersweet

So after 2 1/2 weeks of unpacking, hanging out, and adjusting to Texas heat...it was time to return to Utah for the Timothy family reunion and to bring Tyler and Cody back. A bittersweet trip to say the least.
I was so looking forward to seeing all of my family, and I mean ALL. It has been years since Rebecca has been back to Utah, and she and I were both returning at the same time. So exciting!
I left and drove straight through with the help of Tyler and Malachi....horrible drive. I got pulled over in Kansas and received a speeding ticket, Yay! But we made it safe and sound -
I dropped Malachi off to his mom - who was so happy to see him, and then took the kids over to Jason's house to have them stay with him for the week. He has missed the kids so much, and they have truly missed their dad. They hadn't seen him for 3 weeks or so, and although they were having a good time in Texas, they were so happy to be back in Utah and with their dad again.
As for me, I was so happy to be back. I stayed with Marianne again, and not on the hide-a-way this time, I got to sleep in a bed! I felt bad, they had had a flood and their house was chaotic! But we had a great time hanging out and I went to work and helped them with some problems and deadlines that were hanging over their heads. They office gang threw me a going away party and invited all of our clients, it was a surprise. I was awarded with a plaque that dad had made and they bought me a new tv. They are the best - I miss working with them all of the time. I didn't realize how much I really enjoyed my job and the people and clients until I wasn't doing it anymore. 17 years is a long time.....
Anyway - the family reunion was fun and the many get togethers were just what I needed. Good quality time with my family, who I would be leaving again! Ugh!! We really did have a good time...and all good things must come to an end.
Originally I had planned on leaving Devin & McKenzie to stay with Jason for 2 weeks...but the cost of the flights was more than either of us could afford, especially with school just around the corner. So that plan changed, but Tyler and Cody said they were going to come back with me for a few more weeks, which made me so happy. But with the cost of the tickets they were unable to come back with me. Oh how I wish I would've known...they spent the week hanging with Jason anticipating being with me longer, and then that didn't happen. I missed out on so much time with them, time I can never get back. The last night of my stay in Utah I did take them to a movie and breakfast and school shopping. It was nice to be with them, they are such amazing boys and I love them so much.
So I had to painfully leave Utah once again....this time was almost unbearable as I had to leave 2 of my kids behind and take the other 2 away from their dad. As much as I was looking forward to returning to Jamie, I cant help but feel complete sorrow. Bittersweet.

Well isn't life just full of surprises! A serious update is in order.....
So Jamie and I...we're together. It happened relatively quickly after we were finished, it was all very strange. We started talking again, texting a little bit and a few emails, then there were phone calls, and before I knew what was happening there I was again, in a relationship with him.
The timing all came together, like it was meant to be. I had given notice to my landlord and was needing to move by the end of June, and Jamie had vacation scheduled for that same time period. One night while talking to him on the phone he asked me if I would come to Texas and be with him. Of course I agreed, but was scared to death. He bought a one-way ticket to Utah and emailed me the flight information. I began packing and getting ready to move to Texas with him....a GIGANTIC life changing event, can anyone really be "ready" for such an event?
He flew in, I picked him up from the airport, and my nerves finally started to relax!!
My kids were very excited to meet him, and of course they loved him from the beginning. We hung out for a few days at the house, finished packing, cleaning, and then loading the UHAUL......or Budget truck! We then parked the truck at dad's house and stayed a week with Marianne and Cory. That was an adventure! My back hurt from sleeping on that hide-a-way bed, the worst mattress EVER...
Then on the 5th of July we started our Journey (much later than we had wanted or planned) to Texas. The goodbye's were so hard. I don't think that I have cried that much in years....the tears were almost constant. Leaving my family was one of the hardest experiences I've had. I've been so close to them my entire life, and now I am thousands of miles away. I miss them all of the time and think of them often. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my best friend...I used to talk to Marianne daily, and now I maybe text her once a day. It makes me lonely.
But enough about that...lets continue with the journey.....
We drove for 3 days, the longest 3 days of my life. It was so tiring driving and our GPS took us on random exploratory roads....adding more time to our travels.
We ended up staying over night in Roswell New Mexico, which I thought would be so much more than what it was...hmmm. I loved that show when I was younger, and then I re-watched the series just last year. Somewhat disappointed. I assumed that Alien adventure was so much more that what it was...and would stay open past 9:00pm. Oh well - we had fun and got a goods night sleep!
We continued our journey and finally arrived home in Baytown, Texas around midnight on Thursday. What a relief! And that brings us to a new chapter in our lives.....

Confused

The feeling of fear and confusion are eating away at me. I feel so lost and I don't have any idea what to do. I sense the hesitation, and it scares me to death. Of course everyone has been giving me their two cents, they all have advice and want to share their perspective. And then to top it off, they of course all want to and are giving me a bad time for being in a relationship with a married man. For good reason, and they are right. I shouldn't have let a relationship develop with someone who wasn't emotionally available. Even though he was separated, he was still married. I wonder if we would have connected had we met under different circumstances, if we both had been available from the beginning. I don't know now how to feel. Sometimes I feel like he truly loves me, and then sometimes I feel like I am the back-up plan. I honestly love him, but I am scared. I know I shouldn't let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game. Should I grab the bat and play the game, or sit in the dug out and wait out the rain?

Everything seems like such a blur - time passes but I feel lost and moving without direction. I cant stop crying. I thought the crying in the shower so my kids wouldn't see or hear was over. Yet, here I am. The pain of knowing that once again I wasn't good enough is almost unbearable. Having to admit that he didn't love me and didn't want me makes my heart break. Why do people have to fail us? Why was I so trusting and why was I so willing to give him my heart completely? He made me feel so alive after losing Jason - he made me feel like there was hope and that I could honestly believe and trust in him and his feelings for me. I should've known better. Being the rebound is the recipe for heartache and disappointment. It was never going to work out....it really was just a matter of time. Oh how I wish that I wouldn't have let my guard down, maybe this wouldn't hurt so bad. I know that I will survive this, I know I will make it through. Time is the healer of all wounds.