Confused

The feeling of fear and confusion are eating away at me. I feel so lost and I don't have any idea what to do. I sense the hesitation, and it scares me to death. Of course everyone has been giving me their two cents, they all have advice and want to share their perspective. And then to top it off, they of course all want to and are giving me a bad time for being in a relationship with a married man. For good reason, and they are right. I shouldn't have let a relationship develop with someone who wasn't emotionally available. Even though he was separated, he was still married. I wonder if we would have connected had we met under different circumstances, if we both had been available from the beginning. I don't know now how to feel. Sometimes I feel like he truly loves me, and then sometimes I feel like I am the back-up plan. I honestly love him, but I am scared. I know I shouldn't let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game. Should I grab the bat and play the game, or sit in the dug out and wait out the rain?

Everything seems like such a blur - time passes but I feel lost and moving without direction. I cant stop crying. I thought the crying in the shower so my kids wouldn't see or hear was over. Yet, here I am. The pain of knowing that once again I wasn't good enough is almost unbearable. Having to admit that he didn't love me and didn't want me makes my heart break. Why do people have to fail us? Why was I so trusting and why was I so willing to give him my heart completely? He made me feel so alive after losing Jason - he made me feel like there was hope and that I could honestly believe and trust in him and his feelings for me. I should've known better. Being the rebound is the recipe for heartache and disappointment. It was never going to work out....it really was just a matter of time. Oh how I wish that I wouldn't have let my guard down, maybe this wouldn't hurt so bad. I know that I will survive this, I know I will make it through. Time is the healer of all wounds.