These past two weeks have been very difficult to say the least. Two MONUMENTOUS occasions occurred, and I wasn't there, wasn't a part of them, for the first time ever I missed them.
September 16th, a glorious day for celebrating, Tyler's birthday. And this year he turned the big 16...Holy Cow! I wasn't there..I haven't missed a birthday in 15 years, and now I've missed 2. September 30th, another grand day for celebration, Cody's 14th birthday, and again, I missed it. I called, I texted, I facebooked. They sent pictures of the birthday parties, and it makes me so full of anguish. The cake I didn't make, the missing beans and bean prizes, the wrapping of the gift, the pretend surprise at the opened present, the smiles and the joy.
Days and moments that can never be experienced again, the time that can never be made up, the memory that will never exist.
It's not just the big occasions, but the small ones that now seem so important, like I didn't treasure them enough when they constantly surrounded me and I had ample of opportunities to participate. Movie lunches with the office or with mom to catch a chick flick, the semi-annual Girls Night Out while the boys were at priesthood, chick flicks with sisters, lunch with friends, game nights.
How does one "get over" times like these? Move on and move forward? It's like a double-edge sword. I am here with Devin & McKenzie making fabulous new and exciting memories with Jamie - and I wouldn't trade that for the world, its just that sometimes I feel like something is missing, part of me is lost. In a perfect world we would all be together, the feelings of abandonment would never surface or be felt, the longing and loneliness would never again be experienced. But perfection is only a dream.
October 1, 2011
September 13, 2011
On the Hunt....
I never knew how painful and depressing job hunting could be. I haven't had to look for a job in over 17 years, I've been working for my dad. This is absolutely brutal! I have to say I completely and utterly HATE looking for work. Filling out applications, uploading my resume, and taking possible employee assessments are a total pain!
But what it really boils down to is...What do I want to do?
I had a plan and a goal. I was on the road and heading in the direction of my desired career. And then BAM, life happens wouldn't you know it, and threw a hiccup in my entire destination!
Accounting, not my ideal job, don't love it, pretty good at it, but I think I only really enjoyed it because of who I worked for and what I was working towards. Business ownership and clients that I had a long-term relationship with, people I knew and who knew me, people who trusted me and my work, and I truly enjoyed them as clients and friends. And the fellow workers, my bestest friend Marianne helping to run the show(s), if we want to include Payroll Perfection. So now what? Is accounting what I want to do now that I am without the golden spoon in my mouth?
But what it really boils down to is...What do I want to do?
I had a plan and a goal. I was on the road and heading in the direction of my desired career. And then BAM, life happens wouldn't you know it, and threw a hiccup in my entire destination!
Accounting, not my ideal job, don't love it, pretty good at it, but I think I only really enjoyed it because of who I worked for and what I was working towards. Business ownership and clients that I had a long-term relationship with, people I knew and who knew me, people who trusted me and my work, and I truly enjoyed them as clients and friends. And the fellow workers, my bestest friend Marianne helping to run the show(s), if we want to include Payroll Perfection. So now what? Is accounting what I want to do now that I am without the golden spoon in my mouth?
August 21, 2011
An Unforgettable Union....
So....after months of being together and having a couple of upsetting conversations...Jamie officially proposed. He got a half day off of work, so he didn't have to go in until 1 and we went ring shopping. He got me the most beautiful ring...I love it. Of course it had to be sized...so the day we went to pick it up we ordered him a ring, which matches - cause that's how we roll!! Anyway - we went to the wall of water in Houston and walked around, he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. He is awesome! It made me cry - I was so happy, I am still so happy. Of course I said yes....no question there!
We got our marriage license and after waiting the required 72 hours... we impulsively got hitched. "Brother Jared" for our intended purpose (Jared is a guy that works with Jamie who just so happened to get his minister license on-line for some apparent reason and was just dying to marry us for free.) came to the house. We sat at the bar while he filled out the license... and then he said by the power vested to me by www. - I pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jamie Aaron Coleman. It was funny! An August 15th that I will never forget...one that I will tell our grandchildren about!
But we're official...and I couldn't be happier. Jamie is the most amazing and wonderful man. I love him more than words can describe....each day I love him more and appreciate who and what he does for me. He makes me feel complete...whole....like he is my other half.
Time
Back in Texas for almost a month...time flies! Not much has happened. The kids have been playing and enjoying life. Catching toads almost nightly, and then torturing the poor animals.
The girls come over quite regularly, which is exciting. It feels like they belong with us..like we are almost complete when they are home. Jamie of course is working nights, almost every night. It is kind of a crappy schedule...but what do you do? His working his turn around has made it possible for me to stay home with the kids and be able to take care of our bills. He is such a great man, such a hard worker and so willing to take care of us. He's wonderful!
I try and talk to Tyler and Cody each day, but they're angry with me and really don't want to correspond with me quite yet. They are upset that I moved away from them. I think they feel like I abandoned them, even though they had the choice, I feel they are angry because I didn't chose to stay in Utah. One day I pray they will forgive me and be able to accept the changes that occurred in their lives. The decision was difficult, but I honestly feel like this is where I"m supposed to be, to be with Jamie. I wish and I pray that Tyler and Cody will chose to come here, but I"m not holding my breath. Maybe after they graduate....who knows what the future holds, anything can happen.
School starts on Monday - the kids can hardly stand it, they are so excited, and nervous. We finished up the shopping today - last minute items all squared away. Thank goodness...
Just taking it one day at a time... enjoying my new life and all that comes with it. Each day is an adventure, you just never know what's gonna happen!
The girls come over quite regularly, which is exciting. It feels like they belong with us..like we are almost complete when they are home. Jamie of course is working nights, almost every night. It is kind of a crappy schedule...but what do you do? His working his turn around has made it possible for me to stay home with the kids and be able to take care of our bills. He is such a great man, such a hard worker and so willing to take care of us. He's wonderful!
I try and talk to Tyler and Cody each day, but they're angry with me and really don't want to correspond with me quite yet. They are upset that I moved away from them. I think they feel like I abandoned them, even though they had the choice, I feel they are angry because I didn't chose to stay in Utah. One day I pray they will forgive me and be able to accept the changes that occurred in their lives. The decision was difficult, but I honestly feel like this is where I"m supposed to be, to be with Jamie. I wish and I pray that Tyler and Cody will chose to come here, but I"m not holding my breath. Maybe after they graduate....who knows what the future holds, anything can happen.
School starts on Monday - the kids can hardly stand it, they are so excited, and nervous. We finished up the shopping today - last minute items all squared away. Thank goodness...
Just taking it one day at a time... enjoying my new life and all that comes with it. Each day is an adventure, you just never know what's gonna happen!
Bittersweet
So after 2 1/2 weeks of unpacking, hanging out, and adjusting to Texas heat...it was time to return to Utah for the Timothy family reunion and to bring Tyler and Cody back. A bittersweet trip to say the least.
I was so looking forward to seeing all of my family, and I mean ALL. It has been years since Rebecca has been back to Utah, and she and I were both returning at the same time. So exciting!
I left and drove straight through with the help of Tyler and Malachi....horrible drive. I got pulled over in Kansas and received a speeding ticket, Yay! But we made it safe and sound -
I dropped Malachi off to his mom - who was so happy to see him, and then took the kids over to Jason's house to have them stay with him for the week. He has missed the kids so much, and they have truly missed their dad. They hadn't seen him for 3 weeks or so, and although they were having a good time in Texas, they were so happy to be back in Utah and with their dad again.
As for me, I was so happy to be back. I stayed with Marianne again, and not on the hide-a-way this time, I got to sleep in a bed! I felt bad, they had had a flood and their house was chaotic! But we had a great time hanging out and I went to work and helped them with some problems and deadlines that were hanging over their heads. They office gang threw me a going away party and invited all of our clients, it was a surprise. I was awarded with a plaque that dad had made and they bought me a new tv. They are the best - I miss working with them all of the time. I didn't realize how much I really enjoyed my job and the people and clients until I wasn't doing it anymore. 17 years is a long time.....
Anyway - the family reunion was fun and the many get togethers were just what I needed. Good quality time with my family, who I would be leaving again! Ugh!! We really did have a good time...and all good things must come to an end.
Originally I had planned on leaving Devin & McKenzie to stay with Jason for 2 weeks...but the cost of the flights was more than either of us could afford, especially with school just around the corner. So that plan changed, but Tyler and Cody said they were going to come back with me for a few more weeks, which made me so happy. But with the cost of the tickets they were unable to come back with me. Oh how I wish I would've known...they spent the week hanging with Jason anticipating being with me longer, and then that didn't happen. I missed out on so much time with them, time I can never get back. The last night of my stay in Utah I did take them to a movie and breakfast and school shopping. It was nice to be with them, they are such amazing boys and I love them so much.
So I had to painfully leave Utah once again....this time was almost unbearable as I had to leave 2 of my kids behind and take the other 2 away from their dad. As much as I was looking forward to returning to Jamie, I cant help but feel complete sorrow. Bittersweet.
I was so looking forward to seeing all of my family, and I mean ALL. It has been years since Rebecca has been back to Utah, and she and I were both returning at the same time. So exciting!
I left and drove straight through with the help of Tyler and Malachi....horrible drive. I got pulled over in Kansas and received a speeding ticket, Yay! But we made it safe and sound -
I dropped Malachi off to his mom - who was so happy to see him, and then took the kids over to Jason's house to have them stay with him for the week. He has missed the kids so much, and they have truly missed their dad. They hadn't seen him for 3 weeks or so, and although they were having a good time in Texas, they were so happy to be back in Utah and with their dad again.
As for me, I was so happy to be back. I stayed with Marianne again, and not on the hide-a-way this time, I got to sleep in a bed! I felt bad, they had had a flood and their house was chaotic! But we had a great time hanging out and I went to work and helped them with some problems and deadlines that were hanging over their heads. They office gang threw me a going away party and invited all of our clients, it was a surprise. I was awarded with a plaque that dad had made and they bought me a new tv. They are the best - I miss working with them all of the time. I didn't realize how much I really enjoyed my job and the people and clients until I wasn't doing it anymore. 17 years is a long time.....
Anyway - the family reunion was fun and the many get togethers were just what I needed. Good quality time with my family, who I would be leaving again! Ugh!! We really did have a good time...and all good things must come to an end.
Originally I had planned on leaving Devin & McKenzie to stay with Jason for 2 weeks...but the cost of the flights was more than either of us could afford, especially with school just around the corner. So that plan changed, but Tyler and Cody said they were going to come back with me for a few more weeks, which made me so happy. But with the cost of the tickets they were unable to come back with me. Oh how I wish I would've known...they spent the week hanging with Jason anticipating being with me longer, and then that didn't happen. I missed out on so much time with them, time I can never get back. The last night of my stay in Utah I did take them to a movie and breakfast and school shopping. It was nice to be with them, they are such amazing boys and I love them so much.
So I had to painfully leave Utah once again....this time was almost unbearable as I had to leave 2 of my kids behind and take the other 2 away from their dad. As much as I was looking forward to returning to Jamie, I cant help but feel complete sorrow. Bittersweet.
August 20, 2011
Well isn't life just full of surprises! A serious update is in order.....
So Jamie and I...we're together. It happened relatively quickly after we were finished, it was all very strange. We started talking again, texting a little bit and a few emails, then there were phone calls, and before I knew what was happening there I was again, in a relationship with him.
The timing all came together, like it was meant to be. I had given notice to my landlord and was needing to move by the end of June, and Jamie had vacation scheduled for that same time period. One night while talking to him on the phone he asked me if I would come to Texas and be with him. Of course I agreed, but was scared to death. He bought a one-way ticket to Utah and emailed me the flight information. I began packing and getting ready to move to Texas with him....a GIGANTIC life changing event, can anyone really be "ready" for such an event?
He flew in, I picked him up from the airport, and my nerves finally started to relax!!
My kids were very excited to meet him, and of course they loved him from the beginning. We hung out for a few days at the house, finished packing, cleaning, and then loading the UHAUL......or Budget truck! We then parked the truck at dad's house and stayed a week with Marianne and Cory. That was an adventure! My back hurt from sleeping on that hide-a-way bed, the worst mattress EVER...
Then on the 5th of July we started our Journey (much later than we had wanted or planned) to Texas. The goodbye's were so hard. I don't think that I have cried that much in years....the tears were almost constant. Leaving my family was one of the hardest experiences I've had. I've been so close to them my entire life, and now I am thousands of miles away. I miss them all of the time and think of them often. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my best friend...I used to talk to Marianne daily, and now I maybe text her once a day. It makes me lonely.
But enough about that...lets continue with the journey.....
We drove for 3 days, the longest 3 days of my life. It was so tiring driving and our GPS took us on random exploratory roads....adding more time to our travels.
We ended up staying over night in Roswell New Mexico, which I thought would be so much more than what it was...hmmm. I loved that show when I was younger, and then I re-watched the series just last year. Somewhat disappointed. I assumed that Alien adventure was so much more that what it was...and would stay open past 9:00pm. Oh well - we had fun and got a goods night sleep!
We continued our journey and finally arrived home in Baytown, Texas around midnight on Thursday. What a relief! And that brings us to a new chapter in our lives.....
So Jamie and I...we're together. It happened relatively quickly after we were finished, it was all very strange. We started talking again, texting a little bit and a few emails, then there were phone calls, and before I knew what was happening there I was again, in a relationship with him.
The timing all came together, like it was meant to be. I had given notice to my landlord and was needing to move by the end of June, and Jamie had vacation scheduled for that same time period. One night while talking to him on the phone he asked me if I would come to Texas and be with him. Of course I agreed, but was scared to death. He bought a one-way ticket to Utah and emailed me the flight information. I began packing and getting ready to move to Texas with him....a GIGANTIC life changing event, can anyone really be "ready" for such an event?
He flew in, I picked him up from the airport, and my nerves finally started to relax!!
My kids were very excited to meet him, and of course they loved him from the beginning. We hung out for a few days at the house, finished packing, cleaning, and then loading the UHAUL......or Budget truck! We then parked the truck at dad's house and stayed a week with Marianne and Cory. That was an adventure! My back hurt from sleeping on that hide-a-way bed, the worst mattress EVER...
Then on the 5th of July we started our Journey (much later than we had wanted or planned) to Texas. The goodbye's were so hard. I don't think that I have cried that much in years....the tears were almost constant. Leaving my family was one of the hardest experiences I've had. I've been so close to them my entire life, and now I am thousands of miles away. I miss them all of the time and think of them often. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my best friend...I used to talk to Marianne daily, and now I maybe text her once a day. It makes me lonely.
But enough about that...lets continue with the journey.....
We drove for 3 days, the longest 3 days of my life. It was so tiring driving and our GPS took us on random exploratory roads....adding more time to our travels.
We ended up staying over night in Roswell New Mexico, which I thought would be so much more than what it was...hmmm. I loved that show when I was younger, and then I re-watched the series just last year. Somewhat disappointed. I assumed that Alien adventure was so much more that what it was...and would stay open past 9:00pm. Oh well - we had fun and got a goods night sleep!
We continued our journey and finally arrived home in Baytown, Texas around midnight on Thursday. What a relief! And that brings us to a new chapter in our lives.....
June 6, 2011
Confused
The feeling of fear and confusion are eating away at me. I feel so lost and I don't have any idea what to do. I sense the hesitation, and it scares me to death. Of course everyone has been giving me their two cents, they all have advice and want to share their perspective. And then to top it off, they of course all want to and are giving me a bad time for being in a relationship with a married man. For good reason, and they are right. I shouldn't have let a relationship develop with someone who wasn't emotionally available. Even though he was separated, he was still married. I wonder if we would have connected had we met under different circumstances, if we both had been available from the beginning. I don't know now how to feel. Sometimes I feel like he truly loves me, and then sometimes I feel like I am the back-up plan. I honestly love him, but I am scared. I know I shouldn't let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game. Should I grab the bat and play the game, or sit in the dug out and wait out the rain?
June 2, 2011
Everything seems like such a blur - time passes but I feel lost and moving without direction. I cant stop crying. I thought the crying in the shower so my kids wouldn't see or hear was over. Yet, here I am. The pain of knowing that once again I wasn't good enough is almost unbearable. Having to admit that he didn't love me and didn't want me makes my heart break. Why do people have to fail us? Why was I so trusting and why was I so willing to give him my heart completely? He made me feel so alive after losing Jason - he made me feel like there was hope and that I could honestly believe and trust in him and his feelings for me. I should've known better. Being the rebound is the recipe for heartache and disappointment. It was never going to work out....it really was just a matter of time. Oh how I wish that I wouldn't have let my guard down, maybe this wouldn't hurt so bad. I know that I will survive this, I know I will make it through. Time is the healer of all wounds.
May 24, 2011
Finding the joy in the simple things!
It all began with a half full bottle of water...
It was a fabulous October afternoon, an excellent day for fishing! We all loaded up in the truck and headed down to the lake - excited to catch something and enjoy the outdoors. We fished for hours and hours and had a great time! On the way back to camp the kids were becoming irritated with one another because they were hot and tired and hungry. Well wouldn't you know it...someone found a bottle of water, a half full bottle of water. So being quite the comedic bunch of kids, they began putting the bottle in front of their eyes and pulling faces trying to make the rest of the family laugh. It worked.....and was the funnest ride back to camp.
Each of us pulled awesome faces with our gigantic eyes peering out - a priceless moment of pure enjoyment. Living the simple life....enjoying the simple things....
Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. ~ Lao Tzu
May 23, 2011
Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not
"Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not"
We were sittin' up there on your momma's roof
Talkin' 'bout everything under the moon
With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume
All I could think about was my next move
Oh, but you were so shy, so was I
Maybe that's why it was so hard to believe
When you smiled and said to me
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're 'bout to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
It was the best dang kiss that I ever had
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask for your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band and I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I love you a lot
I think we've got a real good shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
So, we planned it all out for the middle of June
From the wedding cake to the honeymoon
And your momma cried
When you walked down the aisle
When the preacher man said, "Say I do"
I did and you did too, then I lifted that veil
And saw your pretty smile and I said
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
Look at all the love that we got
It ain't never gonna stop
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
Yeah baby, I love you a lot
I really think we've got a shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?
We were sittin' up there on your momma's roof
Talkin' 'bout everything under the moon
With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume
All I could think about was my next move
Oh, but you were so shy, so was I
Maybe that's why it was so hard to believe
When you smiled and said to me
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're 'bout to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
It was the best dang kiss that I ever had
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask for your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band and I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I love you a lot
I think we've got a real good shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
So, we planned it all out for the middle of June
From the wedding cake to the honeymoon
And your momma cried
When you walked down the aisle
When the preacher man said, "Say I do"
I did and you did too, then I lifted that veil
And saw your pretty smile and I said
"Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
Look at all the love that we got
It ain't never gonna stop
Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
Yeah baby, I love you a lot
I really think we've got a shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?
The Office - Parkour!
The Office - Parkour! - Video - NBC.com
This video is posted for giggles and amusement, and as a dedication of sorts to my lovely half monkey son Cody. Cody practically climbed out of the womb...and has been scaling, climbing, jumping and vaulting everything and anything ever since!
He is a very acrobatic and talented little guy - who thoroughly enjoys giving his mother a heart attack! If there is anything close by that can be jumped on, leaped over, scaled across, or ran up..leave it to Cody to attempt. If there is a roof that is even REMOTELY accessible..that is where you will find Cody. A tree with a low enough branch to start his climb and he will be to the top before you even know he is missing. I will give him credit, he has never (knock on wood) broken a bone in all of his 13 years!
Recently he has been interested in Parkour...In simplest scientific terms, Parkour is a method of movement that focuses on maximum conservation of momentum in order to create a fluid and painless way to get from point A to point B. He has even taken lessons (I'm still trying to figure this one out) at a local park with a bunch of his friends given by a "professional traceur" Apparently that is what you call someone who does Parkour....who would've known!
One night we were at the movies and out in front there were these stone pillars, perhaps 3 feet high. Wouldn't you know it, Cody began jumping over them. There were maybe a dozen pillars in a row mind you. One after another he would place his hands on the top and then hoist himself over, do a little twist and move the next, in a very fluid motion! I guess he wasn't paying enough attention or his arms were a little worn out from jumping over the previous 10 that he didn't quite hoist himself up far enough to clear the last pillar and boom, smash, pop - Cody hit the pavement. Did this stop him, oh no! He was able to recover rather quickly and roll with the fall to make it appear that he "meant" to do that! He has really got the technique down, a pure Ninja! Now if I can only stop him from parkouring all over my cars...the dents are becoming very bothersome! I just cant help but wonder where he got all of his coordination from....he sometimes makes me believe in evolution!
This video is posted for giggles and amusement, and as a dedication of sorts to my lovely half monkey son Cody. Cody practically climbed out of the womb...and has been scaling, climbing, jumping and vaulting everything and anything ever since!
He is a very acrobatic and talented little guy - who thoroughly enjoys giving his mother a heart attack! If there is anything close by that can be jumped on, leaped over, scaled across, or ran up..leave it to Cody to attempt. If there is a roof that is even REMOTELY accessible..that is where you will find Cody. A tree with a low enough branch to start his climb and he will be to the top before you even know he is missing. I will give him credit, he has never (knock on wood) broken a bone in all of his 13 years!
Recently he has been interested in Parkour...In simplest scientific terms, Parkour is a method of movement that focuses on maximum conservation of momentum in order to create a fluid and painless way to get from point A to point B. He has even taken lessons (I'm still trying to figure this one out) at a local park with a bunch of his friends given by a "professional traceur" Apparently that is what you call someone who does Parkour....who would've known!
One night we were at the movies and out in front there were these stone pillars, perhaps 3 feet high. Wouldn't you know it, Cody began jumping over them. There were maybe a dozen pillars in a row mind you. One after another he would place his hands on the top and then hoist himself over, do a little twist and move the next, in a very fluid motion! I guess he wasn't paying enough attention or his arms were a little worn out from jumping over the previous 10 that he didn't quite hoist himself up far enough to clear the last pillar and boom, smash, pop - Cody hit the pavement. Did this stop him, oh no! He was able to recover rather quickly and roll with the fall to make it appear that he "meant" to do that! He has really got the technique down, a pure Ninja! Now if I can only stop him from parkouring all over my cars...the dents are becoming very bothersome! I just cant help but wonder where he got all of his coordination from....he sometimes makes me believe in evolution!
May 17, 2011
'Pieces'
"Pieces"
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!
I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!
I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole
May 8, 2011
Mom's Rule - only because of their kids!
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
~Washington Irving
~Washington Irving
What a very special day today is. I am grateful that there is a special day to acknowledge, honor, and show gratitude for our mothers, as well as being spoiled as a mother! My kids made this a super great day for me. I was kind of dreading this day, the first one without Jason, where I would be responsible for all of the activities and outings with the kids. I don't think I had truly appreciated being spoiled by my family until this year. However, Jason was super amazing and helped the kids take care of me. He was very kind and generous helping our kids to spoil me and make me feel loved and appreciated.
We went to brunch at IHOP - didn't even have to wait, which was a shocker! We ate a fabulous breakfast, and then the kids surprised me with a bouquet a flowers, a new book, my favorite candies, a beautiful card, a gift certificate to get my nails done, and then a gift card to go shopping. They are so thoughtful (thanks to Jason being so giving) and very sweet children. McKenzie made me a Domino necklace at school which was very sweet of her. I shall hang it from my rear view mirror! Devin also made me a gift, which he left at school, so I'll get another gift on Monday! Yeah! The kids have also been working very hard today at getting along and not fighting, as it is mother's day and that is what is going to make mom the happiest! They know me so well!!
I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have been given to be their mother. What a role - sometimes it comes so easily, and sometimes it is a challenge. It isn't an easy job, very trying and testing, but so rewarding and by far the greatest job ever offered. Sometimes I wonder what Heavenly Father was thinking...am I really capable of being a mother? Yes, yes I am. I am not perfect, but I am a super mom! And all that I am learning along the way only makes me better.
I am so grateful and thankful for my mother, she is amazing. I truly admire and look up to her for her great example of selflessness and love that she has shown me through my life. I love her more than she'll ever know and couldn't ask for anyone better, she is the best mom out there! If I could be anything like her, my kids would be blessed!
We went to brunch at IHOP - didn't even have to wait, which was a shocker! We ate a fabulous breakfast, and then the kids surprised me with a bouquet a flowers, a new book, my favorite candies, a beautiful card, a gift certificate to get my nails done, and then a gift card to go shopping. They are so thoughtful (thanks to Jason being so giving) and very sweet children. McKenzie made me a Domino necklace at school which was very sweet of her. I shall hang it from my rear view mirror! Devin also made me a gift, which he left at school, so I'll get another gift on Monday! Yeah! The kids have also been working very hard today at getting along and not fighting, as it is mother's day and that is what is going to make mom the happiest! They know me so well!!
I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have been given to be their mother. What a role - sometimes it comes so easily, and sometimes it is a challenge. It isn't an easy job, very trying and testing, but so rewarding and by far the greatest job ever offered. Sometimes I wonder what Heavenly Father was thinking...am I really capable of being a mother? Yes, yes I am. I am not perfect, but I am a super mom! And all that I am learning along the way only makes me better.
I am so grateful and thankful for my mother, she is amazing. I truly admire and look up to her for her great example of selflessness and love that she has shown me through my life. I love her more than she'll ever know and couldn't ask for anyone better, she is the best mom out there! If I could be anything like her, my kids would be blessed!
May 1, 2011
Prompting for the stubborn
Today I woke up late - and felt kinda groggy, with the decision already made that I wasn't going to make it to church today. However, someone had other plans for me.
I've never been one that has had really profound moments where the Holy Ghost has talked to me or warned me of danger, but today I had the feeling that I needed to go to church. I tried to talk myself out of going, Kenzie even tried to talk me out of going, but the feeling was strong enough to make me take notice and so I made the decision and went.
It was as if the lessons today as well as some of the testimonies were meant for me and me alone. It was as if someone knew that I needed answers but wasn't sure where to find them.
The words struck me so deeply and made my heart swell, confirming again to me the importance and the power of the atonement. There is no depth where we feel like we are that the savior cannot and will not go to rescue us. I imagine that the Savior feels much like I do as a parent. When one of my children falls and gets hurt or are having an emotional trial and they cry, I cannot sit there and listen to them cry. I search them out and try and soothe their troubled hearts and heal their wounds. How great a feeling to know that the Savior is searching for me to comfort me in my time of trial and heartache. It is almost difficult and overwhelming to imagine the love that the Savior has for each one of us, and what he was willing to do for us. I know that the Lord knows who I am and what I am going through, he knows my strengths and also my weaknesses. I also know that I have no need to fear him, for he loves me unconditionally and was willing to die for me.
I am eternally grateful for the power of repentance and for the power of forgiveness. It is a blessing to know that I can forgive myself and that the Lord can and will forgive me when I make mistakes. What a comfort to know that I am not expected to be perfect,
I've never been one that has had really profound moments where the Holy Ghost has talked to me or warned me of danger, but today I had the feeling that I needed to go to church. I tried to talk myself out of going, Kenzie even tried to talk me out of going, but the feeling was strong enough to make me take notice and so I made the decision and went.
It was as if the lessons today as well as some of the testimonies were meant for me and me alone. It was as if someone knew that I needed answers but wasn't sure where to find them.
The words struck me so deeply and made my heart swell, confirming again to me the importance and the power of the atonement. There is no depth where we feel like we are that the savior cannot and will not go to rescue us. I imagine that the Savior feels much like I do as a parent. When one of my children falls and gets hurt or are having an emotional trial and they cry, I cannot sit there and listen to them cry. I search them out and try and soothe their troubled hearts and heal their wounds. How great a feeling to know that the Savior is searching for me to comfort me in my time of trial and heartache. It is almost difficult and overwhelming to imagine the love that the Savior has for each one of us, and what he was willing to do for us. I know that the Lord knows who I am and what I am going through, he knows my strengths and also my weaknesses. I also know that I have no need to fear him, for he loves me unconditionally and was willing to die for me.
I am eternally grateful for the power of repentance and for the power of forgiveness. It is a blessing to know that I can forgive myself and that the Lord can and will forgive me when I make mistakes. What a comfort to know that I am not expected to be perfect,
April 24, 2011
Swimming
Traditions - I'm all about starting new ones....but this one is actually quite enjoyable, at least I believe the kids enjoy it. I know that I do, and any chance that we can all hang out together I'm all about!
Every Sunday we've been heading down to Grandpa Timothy's house to swim in his pool. It's not a very big pool, but big enough for the kids to horse around and have a good time together. It's also heated, which is pretty cool too!
Their is water fights, splashing, kicking, punching, racing, diving, and all around good times. The kids (Cody) are even mastering back flips and front flips off of the side of the pool. Scare me to death..pretty intense! I'm really hoping that the kids are building life-time memories, that they'll one day look back upon and laugh or enjoy pondering over. Quality time with one another, who could ask for anything more!
April 23, 2011
Easter Egg Roll 04/23/2011
Trying to bring back an old tradition....the Easter egg roll!
Years and years ago, not even joking, it has been years, Joycelyn started a tradition of an Easter egg roll each Easter. She would boil dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of eggs. We would then walk across the street from dad's house to the Pleasant Grove Jr. High and up the hill by the track at the back of the school. And this is where it would all take place!!
We would all stand at the top of the hill with a hard boiled egg in hand. On your mark, get set, and Roll! Each of us would throw or roll our egg down the hill. Whoever had their egg go the farthest would win. It was really fun - and the boys (Bryan and Dale, and whatever other boy was present) would usually win, only because they could throw further than us girls. It was a competition that everyone enjoyed.
And when it is warm out, as soon as the eggs start bursting from the throwing, we would be attacked by Seagulls....One would show up and then sooner or later dozens of the birds were flying all around us! Free food, can you blame them?
So today, Emily had arranged for another egg roll, it has honestly been years since we've had one. Probably since Joycelyn passed away, it was her tradition.
We really had a good time. Unfortunately Bryan and Katy didn't make it to the roll, Bryan wasn't there to defend his title that Dale swears is really his! Who really knows who the final winner was the last time we rolled. This year however, Tyler took the lead and is the new champion. Holy cow that kid has an arm on him! Wish he would get into sports, he's a natural!
The weather wasn't really cooperating...it was cold and a little rainy. The only advantage to that is that only 1 Seagull came to gather broken eggs. We didn't have to be on the lookout for flying bird poo, Thank Goodness!!!
The kids really enjoyed it and had a good time. Everyone was laughing and joking - it was a great time hanging out with the family. To top if off...everyone got their fill on hard boiled eggs!
April 22, 2011
Then They Do
I brought children into this dark world because it needed a light that only a child can bring.
The love that I feel for my children is beyond any imaginable feeling. They bring me such joy and hope. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity that I have to be their mother, it is truly a gift to be able to spend time with them and enjoy their sweet spirits. I can never express to them how much they mean to me, and I thank the Lord that he thought I was fitting enough to have them in my life. I cannot honestly imagine my life without each and every one of them.
April 21, 2011
In these moments following a phone call or a text message I wish that I had a place I could escape to. A place that I can cry and let it all out. I need to be strong for my kids, I don't want them to see me fall apart - it's in times like these that I have questions. Mostly about the church.
For so many years I have longed for it to be a part of my life as well as my families. Growing up with the church in my life it seemed like it was the only way. I wonder sometimes now.
How, if the church is right, can a family be destroyed over it? When I"m told that the church is the sole reason for a divorce, what am I supposed to feel?
The guilt I feel is almost unbearable, suffocating even at times.
For so many years I have longed for it to be a part of my life as well as my families. Growing up with the church in my life it seemed like it was the only way. I wonder sometimes now.
How, if the church is right, can a family be destroyed over it? When I"m told that the church is the sole reason for a divorce, what am I supposed to feel?
The guilt I feel is almost unbearable, suffocating even at times.
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown
March 24, 2011
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
- American Beauty
- American Beauty
March 10, 2011
Little Entrepreneurs
Oh what motivated kids I have... I came home from work today and found a large handmade sign in the driveway. Apparently we had some lemonade for sale, and a remarkable price of $1 per glass, what a bargain!!
The kids were so excited telling me about their very profitable day of door to door selling their delicious beverage. Devin, McKenzie, & Alyssa had each made $3 - not bad for one pitcher of lemonade.
So I talked with Alyssa's mother and thanked her for letting the kids use her lemonade to sell, she was a bit shocked. She thought that I had let the kids use my lemonade, however, I didn't have any lemonade. Hmmm, puzzling. Where did this lemonade come from?
Low and behold...the kids are pure genius! They found 4 lemons in the fridge and squeezed them into the picture, added some water, and just a tiny amount of sugar. Shazam - Lemonade!
And our neighbors actually bought it from them... how nice of them!
The kids were so excited telling me about their very profitable day of door to door selling their delicious beverage. Devin, McKenzie, & Alyssa had each made $3 - not bad for one pitcher of lemonade.
So I talked with Alyssa's mother and thanked her for letting the kids use her lemonade to sell, she was a bit shocked. She thought that I had let the kids use my lemonade, however, I didn't have any lemonade. Hmmm, puzzling. Where did this lemonade come from?
Low and behold...the kids are pure genius! They found 4 lemons in the fridge and squeezed them into the picture, added some water, and just a tiny amount of sugar. Shazam - Lemonade!
And our neighbors actually bought it from them... how nice of them!
March 7, 2011
Kids....
I have really been thinking a lot lately about my capabilities as a parent. Have you ever just felt so overwhelmed that you don't know what to do? I try and I try, to no avail. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with my kids, and I don't know what to really do about it. My kids are constantly complaining about how angry I am all of the time. I don't feel like I am angry all of the time, unfortunately they receive the brunt of my moods. I try to be the nice, fun, giving mother and they take advantage of it. They refuse to do what they are asked to do until I break down and yell at them. I hate yelling at them, I don't enjoy feeling angry. Why don't they just listen and do what they are supposed to do? Why am I always their last priority? Why do they have to be rewarded in some way in order to do chores and help around the house? Where did I go wrong? I realize that their actions are a direct result of my parenting, or lack of. The problem is that I do not know how to change it, to help them change their mind sets and attitudes.
I was not meant to conquer this alone.....
I was not meant to conquer this alone.....
March 4, 2011
Love.....
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi
The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron
Love is when another persons need become greater than your own.
For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard
“Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” –Bruce Lee
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her… ” — Unknown
“Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image… otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” –Author Unknown
“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” –Ellen Goodman
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi
The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron
Love is when another persons need become greater than your own.
For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard
“Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” –Bruce Lee
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her… ” — Unknown
“Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image… otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” –Author Unknown
“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” –Ellen Goodman
Life Changing
After 17 years, I am once again single. Not where I imagined my life at this point and time. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. The ups and downs of moving on and moving forward.
Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. ~Author Unknown
As I have looked back I can see where things went wrong and where I could have improved myself to be a better person not only for me but also for my marriage. But honestly what good does this do? I cannot go back and change the past, I can only take the knowledge of what I did wrong and correct them, as to not make the same mistakes again. Which is so much easier said than done! When they say that hard habits are hard to break, they weren't kidding. How do you change something that has become such a part of you? It's ingrained into you and you honestly have no idea how to NOT do it. I may need some intense therapy!
Also looking back however, I have seen wonderful great times in my life. Moments that I will cherish and remember always and forever. Building blocks. I wonder honestly if there are so many moments like these, why? Unfortunately we are not the only ones who make decisions that affect our lives, and sometimes are forced to change our lives and deal with the effect of another persons decisions.
I try to keep positive - some days are so much easier than others. I take it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. I try to find the happiness and the good in my new life.....
When a door closes, look for an open window!
When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown
Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. ~Author Unknown
As I have looked back I can see where things went wrong and where I could have improved myself to be a better person not only for me but also for my marriage. But honestly what good does this do? I cannot go back and change the past, I can only take the knowledge of what I did wrong and correct them, as to not make the same mistakes again. Which is so much easier said than done! When they say that hard habits are hard to break, they weren't kidding. How do you change something that has become such a part of you? It's ingrained into you and you honestly have no idea how to NOT do it. I may need some intense therapy!
Also looking back however, I have seen wonderful great times in my life. Moments that I will cherish and remember always and forever. Building blocks. I wonder honestly if there are so many moments like these, why? Unfortunately we are not the only ones who make decisions that affect our lives, and sometimes are forced to change our lives and deal with the effect of another persons decisions.
I try to keep positive - some days are so much easier than others. I take it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. I try to find the happiness and the good in my new life.....
When a door closes, look for an open window!
When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown
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